It’s wild how two people who once couldn’t stop smiling at each other can end up living on opposite sides of the room. You love each other, but lately, it feels like you’re fighting for different teams. Sometimes it’s loud and obvious. Other times, the conflict just simmers beneath the surface. Silent treatment, sarcasm, resentment. You can feel the distance growing.

Maturity steps back and acknowledges that conflict doesn’t always come from the other person. James 4:1 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” That’s not an easy verse to hear but it’s freeing when you realize it gives us strategic insight on how to win. James is pointing out that our biggest battles in our relationships often start inside us.

You want to feel respected, heard, appreciated, loved. When those needs aren’t met, it’s easy to start scheming, defending, or keeping score. But that’s when the fight shifts from “us against the problem” to “me against you.”

The good news is that you can stop fighting, without giving up. James reminds us that “you do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2). In other words, your spouse can’t give you what only God can. When you take your unmet needs to Him, He changes what you want and gives you strength to love from a place of peace instead of pride.

Galatians 6:2 challenges us to “share each other’s burdens.” Healthy confrontation helps without trying to control. You can carry someone else’s burdens, but you can’t carry their behavior. You can walk with them, but you can’t walk for them.

So how do you stop fighting in your relationships? Start by asking God to change what you want most. Instead of starting with blame, identify what you’re burdened by, and start there.  Own your behavior, and let the other person own theirs (without arguing into agreement). Peace doesn’t come from being right; it comes from being willing to love first.